sick_requiem

HOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGODOMYGOD

I totally like this guy!  He's super cute and super nice and kinda really good looking and really adorable!

The only really problem is that he;s two years younger then me and has a hella-of alot more dating expirience then I do but I suppose that can be gotten around.

Wooooooo!

I think I'm loosing touch with everyone.  Not likeing yourself really sucks.  I highly advise against it.  Erg...  I'm so sick of being self-loathing.  I'm so sick of having nothign to talk about but my problems.  I wanna be someone else.  I want to have a different life.

I have not had anything positive to say about myself in such a long time.  I don't know what needs to happen to feel better again.

I guess it's because nearly everyone is finally gone.  I guess I feel totally isolated.  I want to be gone so badly.  I feel like I'm wasting my life in high school.  I should drop chemestry.  I don't need that for spychology.  Fuck Psychiatry.  I don't even want to do either of those.  I don't know what I want to do.  I want to get out.  I don't feel like I have purpose.

MSN has messed up my life alot I think.  I can't read people there.  Communication is reduced to five percent without body language and tone of voice.  That, and people can leave, and take a long time to respond.  It's so easy to lie on MSN.  I hate it.  Because I chronically feel like I'm dragging words out of people, or people are dragging words out of me.

I hate this writer's block I've developed.  I finished my first book and now I don't know what to do.  It gave me no sense of closure, instead it made me realize just how stupid I am to think I can get it published.  I probibly wont get it published.  I just feel like I have no talent in writing anymore.

I have nowhere to start.  I have dozens of half-completed stories, but I started thinking they were all crappy today.  I don't want to work on any of them.  I don't want to read, I don't want to play video games, I don't even really want to talk to people.  I have nothin to do.  I think I'd just kill myself out of lacking a sustainable activity.  I want to be done high school so badly.  I don't want to be here anymore.

I feel like I'm taking up space.  I want somethign to occupy my attention with.  I want to be other places - I want to be doing things.  I feel so old.  I should not feel so old when I have over a decade or more to still do things.  But I feel like I'm wasting so much time on fucking school.

I wish I could stop complaining about everything.  I hate dumping everythign on other people.  I think it's driving people away from me.  I think people think I'm faking it to get attention.

They say you have to make the choice not to be depressed anymore.  Fuck I'm so sick of it.  Why can't I get a break?  I shouldn't be alive.

When I was little, mum gave me the option of going into adoption.  I can't stop thinking about it.  Not for the last thriteen years.  I could be happier.  Not that this is mum's fault.  I just keep wondering what things would be like.  I can't help but feel like I passed up somethign amazing that would have let me be a more satisfied person.  Why aren't I happy?  I wish I knew what I needed from life so I could ask for it.

Why am I even bothering writing here when I have a notebook that I can dump crap into?  It's not like I'm gaiing anythign from this.  I guess I'm just following a year-long habbit.  I should read some old entries.  When I was actually happy and not sobing at the computer on a weekly basis. 

It's actually really embarassing saying all this online, where anyone can read it.  I should stop being an open book.  I should stop using this account.  I think I was happier when I wasn't.  I should.  It wouldn't make a difference.  And no one would ever know.

I guess that's the story of my life.  I think that if I snuck away from the world, no one would notice really...

Nick.

I'm starting to feel like the world is so much more intresting than I am.  I'm having a hard time accepting my life is average, or maybe even more intresting then some people.  In terms of inrestingness, I think my life should rank pretty low, because it's so boring.  And yet, I cannot fathom the thought that my life is indifferent to everyone else's in the area.

I guess there's so much I want to do with my life.  That it makes my life seem boring to me.  God... the life I want... now that's something intresting.

I guess the distinguishment between interesting and not has been made by me as a writer...  I write about intresting things.  I know what's interesting to a reader and what is not.

...I'm not interesting...

I think I've gained all I could from observing life.  I think it was Socrates that beleived it was possible to know everythign about live from examining it?  Or was it Aristotle?  Regardless, Plato was the opposite.  (Or I have those mixed up).  I agree with Plato, regardless.  If you sit around observing, you only know the result.  To know the process, you have to expirience.

I think being a writer has dammed me.  We're observers by nature.  Nerds.  People who wait for life to come to them so they can write about it.  Well I'd like to find somethign to write about, and not wait for the idea to pop into my head.  To go out and look for somethign to write about without knowing what I'm looking for - that's the kind of writer I want to be.

I want to be living the kind of life that I could write down in a biography that people would not want to put down.  I want to be living the kind of life I woudl write about.  Assuming, of course, that I would ever write realist fiction.

How can people say I'm awesome If I am like this?  I don't beleive it when peopel say that anyways.  I don't think they're lying alot of the time...  I just think that they don't know me well enough to make that judgement.  I think.

Fuck, I could go on forever about all the things I want to be doing...  About the kind of person I want to be...

I feel like I'm restricted in the prison of the name I have creaed for myself.

How's that for profound?

Bi-atch.

And furthermore, I'm sick of chronically feeling inadiquette!

Fuck!  I was supposed to do my fucking homework!  FUCK!

FUUUUUUUCK!

And it's fucking due tomorrow...

Aw fuck...

Now I just feel fucking great.

FUCK!

How do you tell somoene you have feelings for, that knows that you have feelings for them, that they should break up with their lover because you are worried because the someone you have feelings for is the lover's first lover and they are both getting totally into their relationship and probibly won't get out because the someone dated this fellow out of despirate heartache and the lover is newly out of the closet?

Keeping in mind I'm totally into this person, and the only thing holding me back from telling me this is that the person may think that i was trying to split them up so I could have him.

But the stupid thing is I kinda want that.  I FEEL LIKE SUCH A WHORE!

It's so fucking hard to be queer in a small town.  Such limited selection.

"But Nick, why not go out with a girl?  You like girls right?"

"Right, but girls are totallt gross at this age and most of them have not gotten awesome yet.  I like girls (and guys, for that matter) who do not abide by typical gender expectations.  Lots of girls (and guys, for that matter) don't like to have my kind of fun.  Good as friends, but nothing more."

"What about that guy you like?"

"He's my kind of good time, which makes things even weirder because I don't want to loose his friendship."

"Dude... you suck.  Get laid."

O_o

Nick.

My subconscious wants me to be miserable.  That's a major moment in my depressive life.  Who wants to be in a dream where the guy you have this major crush on is talking about his relationship (which you think should not exist for some reason that may or many not be jealousy, ESP, intuition or plain wanting-everyone-to-be-as-miserable-as-you-are) and how he and his BF probibly have sex when they see eachother?

WTF?  I'd prefer one of my centiped nightmares to that.  Who's mind does that to someone?  I pretty much woke up and cut my the skin over my heart out of some despirate symbolic meaning to get these feelings OUT.  Didn't work, but cutting usually feels good in a sadistic/messchistic.  I'm so f**ked.  I know it's totally wrong that I'm beginnig to see self-mutalation as the only rational immediate-response therapy for these problems.

I'm totally turning into pro-anti-love.  They should have brain surgury to remove whatever part of the brain that controls oxytocin levels.  I'd opt for that.  Anything at this point to get rid of feeling romantic about people.  God, I thought I was better then that.  I have no f**king clue why poets through the ages have claimed that this was the most glorious feeling ever.  I absolutely feel lighter then a feather, but I am in no way grounded on anything.  Sure, physical puberty hit early, but mental puberty has taken it's sweet time.  If only it could have hit AT LEAST seven months earlier we'd be good.  I'D BE GOOD.  Goddamnit I'm anything but good right now.

I haven't written sh*t for weeks, I'm irritating as hell (especially to this young fellow who I am so hung up on), I have to pretend to be happy all the time, I always feel like I never get what I want, despite having all I beleive I need, I've started cutting myself after years of making fun of people who did that and I have to stay in this f**king town for another whole f**king year whilst going to school with his young fellow whereas right now I have absolutely no idea on his oppinions of me.  And seeing how this young man makes me feel like my value is determined by how annoying I am (this may not be his actually oppinion, but rather my paranoia to relying on MSN as a sole form of comminication) things could get very awkward for me.

I want everythign to go back to normal.  Normal was a year ago maybe?  Although, I don't think I've ever been in a situation where I've liked where I was at.

I swear I'm going to develop a hard drug addiction when I get away from home.  If I live that long, at any rate.

I think I'd be happier as a worm.  How 'bout that?

Nick.

Good News!

I have a plan set to have my book published!  I know the procedure now, I know what I can do!  Well, first thigns first I need to have the book finished.  And the awesomeness about it is that as soon as I get it published I have an 80% chance to be able to pay off almost a whole year of university!  Huzzah!  I'm almost done, which is good.

But anyways, I totally met this guy and had a major hormonat romace trip over him.  I got over him faster then I got onto him.  We didn't do jack shit, but we've had yet another falling out.  Because he's an emotionally-volitile, melodramatic, screaming queen.  I'm glad I got out of that before I got in.

I'm reading into Salman Sushdie.  Two of his most recent (and one of them his most famous) books.  Unfortunately, Chapters did not have The Satanic Verses.  Sad face.  But Chapters did have Dracula, by the one and only Bram Stoker.  I wonder why the norm is to call it Bram Stoker's Dracula, and not just Dracula.  Perhaps because the myth of everyone's favorite vampire (f**k Eddie Cullen) extends beyond the book?

Nick.