sick_requiem

I'm going to run away to India and whore myself untill I get AIDS.

That sounds good, no?

I HATE it when books are really well-written, but there are pivotal things about them that I don't like.

For instance, I am referring to Shalimar the Clown.  The characters are exquisitely developed and individual, however, they ALL PISS ME OFF.  It seems to me that all the characters, spare one, maybe two, have mivotal flaws that make them totally unlikeable.  For instance, closed-mindedness if a big one.  I'd like to read his other stuff to see if all his characters are just as lame.  Well... not lame, just lame, personality-wise.  I love his books though, from reading the one, I've learned so much about writing.  I'll judge his characterization when I go through The Enchantress of Florence.  I can't wait for that one.

Yours,

Nick

I'm beginnig to realize how big the world is.  People say that it's not that huge, but those are the people who runn off with their highschool sweethearts.  The old generations.  B.I. - Before Internet.  I'm finding it hard to truely beleive that my actions will searve as providing little influence on the world.  Little lasting influence anyways.
 

I finally 'get' pornography.  I finally 'get it.'

We all know I have (had) a philosophical intrest in pornography.  Most;y just the psychology behind it, right?  Well I think I figured it out.

People have intrest in porn because they want to know that there is a world of sexuality that extends beyond themselves.  Sure, everyone knows about people f**king, stories from freinds, et cetera.  Howeverm pornography offeres that final push from evidence to proof.  I think that's what arouses people, knowing that something they have not witnessed is possible, and has happened.

Nick.

I feel so distant from everyone.  I guess I do that to myself.  I like to take other people's problems, analyse them, and then tell people what I think they should do.  It's my way of ignoring my own problems.  Of living them out and solving them through other people.  But I never really absolve my difficulties.  I just stamp an 'approved' stamp on them and flie them away.  I don't have mental paper shredders.  It's the librarian in me.  I can't totally erase anything.

I'm totally in love with one of my friends I think.  I have huge problems with this I think.  Especially since I turned this person down half a year ago.  After all that effort in making a sinsere display of affection and I said no.  Why did I do such a thing?  I don't think I was ready for that kind of relationship; but why didn't I say that?  I just rambled on about a stupid reason that probibly made things worse.

And now it turns out I was totally into this person all allong.  I just thought it was regular friendship.  Even if this person was not spoken for, I think it would be awkward to the point of extreme discomfort.  To further complicate things, this person was alart of my most recent psychological break-down.  I sent a group e-mail telling my closest friends that I hated them and never wanted to talk to them again.  I'm better now, but I just totally lost it.

And I have not spoken to this firend since...

I just hate emotions.  I've always been so reserved, content and cool-headed.  Affection is something that simply does not fit me, I'm affraid.  I don't like it.  Being dependant on the oppinion of another person.  I swear, the last six months have been the worst six months of my social life then I have ever had.  I swear, I'm going to end up loosing everyone before I leave for university.  Maybe not intentionally, but I'll just get so affraid of people that I'll end up pushing everyone away.

While unfortunate, the romance intrest is merely a symptom.  It's a symptom of me being unable to be close to anyone.  And while it does hurt that I really resent being so closed in about the way I feel (what hurts more is being too dense to not know the way I felt).  What hurts the most is that I always thoguht myself above this.

Maybe I'm wrong though, and the feelings I have are truely platonic.  Just vert regretful, and guilt-ridden.  I don't think I really deserve friends - the way I treat not only them, but myself.  Sometimes I can truely convince myself that friends are expendable, temporary and sheerly for entertainment.  You hear all this talk that friends are the greatest thing one could ever have.  And yet, I'd rather do without.

I gues that's the difference between beling lonely and being alone.

Yours remorsefully,

Nick.

I'm just going to stop doing the captain's log thing because I noticed that the entries are automatically dated.  :S

I tried to kill myself today.  Sort of.

I held a pillow over my face and pressed it down untill I couldn't breathe.  Then I chose not to go ahead with it because I decided that running away from home was a viable option.  No joke, at this point, that would HELP my anxiety.

I'm off meds now.  I just stopped taking them and didn't tell anyone.  I was pissing my firends off.  I was pissing myself off.  I don't think I'll be any different then I am now.  I may act different, but I'll feel the same.  The only difference is that I won't have the lack of shame and guilt I have now.  Oh!  The embarasing things that I have said...

Captain's Log; March 17, 2009

The windows were open today.  I opened them.  The air was warm and I wanted fresh air.  I spent the day at home, alone.  I played some video games and wrote about a page.  I'm getting to a slow part, but I'm going to make it pick up soon.  Hopefully.

I hope everyone (not that there are too many that read this) that I am not writing the third installment of the Half-Mortal sereis at the moment.  I'm taking a break so I can work on my writer's craft culminating assighnment.  It's an entirely new story with new characters and new quests and a different setting.  It's kinda neat.  Not as cool as Half-Mortal.  I have homework to do for writer's craft later in the March Break.  But that will come later.

I went for another walk today.  THe weather has been so nice the last few days I decided to venture out into the wilderness behind my house.  Unfortunately, the river banks around and I could not cross it. 

*sadness*

But I got more pictures for a photo essay that I am doing for English Calss.  All the pictures are black and white.  That way they look more zen.  Have I mentioned that yet?
 

Hmmm.

Nick.

I'm just writing this entry so I can mention the titile.

Nick.